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Top 10 Things Not to Do on the Big Island (Updated)

Posted by Dennis on Saturday, 8 May 2021, at 5:20 p.m.
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Many are the wondrous and scintillating aspects to the world's most remote volcanic protrusion rising almost precisely in the middle of the world's largest watery mass. Aloha face masks, people wearing pajamas all day long, hand sanitizer conventiently located at the entrance to every establishment, cheerful young people delivering purchases curbside at all the big box stores, just to name a few. Possibly, other places have similar wondrous and scintillating aspects, though, personally, I wouldn't know, having basically been in around-the-clock private resort mode on my remote private resort since January 2020. That, of course, was the month when the research paper appeared in the scientific journal "Nature" describing new coronavirus variants that had been discovered in bat caves capable of mutating rapidly and infecting multiple host species. Being in the category of "ultra super maximum high risk," I immediately reached for my 3M masks, which before the pandemic used to come with every weed whacker, chainsaw, and chemical sprayer, and which, in fact, could be easily purchased at any magazine kiosk at the airport. To be frank, I wore a 3M mask throughout the volcano eruption experience, when visibility was something like 3 feet on the highway. Which highway, you ask? Well, like people say about the 60s, if you remember them, you weren't there (er, or so I heard). All rightly, then, let's get started with the new and improved, top 10 things not to do in Paradise.

10. Drive off a cliff.

You can manage this all around the island. Though we can't be sure, most people who do this are probably watching the ocean instead of the road, which is about to curve sharply in front of them. No matter how you look at it, this is a bit of a vacation bummer. Not only do you die, but your relatives have to pay to have your sundry remaining body parts excavated from the ocean. Unless, of course, you stiffed them in your will, in which case, "sleep with the fishes!"

9. Go bonkers on the plane.

This sort of thing has been happening a lot. People refusing to wear masks, slugging flight attendants, spitting on other passengers. Unfortunately, while you're coming unglued in the air, federal agents are gathering on the ground to take you away to La-La Land, and airline employees are typing your name and Mylife bio into the "banned from ever flying again" database. Now, wasn't that worth a hissy fit?

8. Fake your Covid test.

Tens of thousands of travelers have purchased fake Covid test results on e-Bay and the "Black Market," which term apparently refers to underground internet sites and people wearing trench coats in dark alleys seeking to profit from human misery and self-centered misanthropes who prioritize their own "freedom to go about the world spreading whatever disability and death may ensue (Baw Ha Ha)", above the pitiful rights of others to, you know, not get sick and die.

7. Laugh at the people who live here walking around all day in pajamas.

You see this sort of sociopathic behavior regularly. Of course, it's the people walking around in pajamas that have the last and best laugh. We've been laughing at tourists in their ridiculous tourist attire for decades. Not just the ones wearing African Safari outfits or polyester shirts decorated with cartoonish representations of guitars and 16th-century European sailing ships, but also the ones in plaid trousers and faux polo shirts with tiny alligator patches, who, needless to say, have never rode a horse in their life, much less, played a single game of polo.

6. Go trespassing on a desolate mountain in Ka'u, get lost, and then call the authorities to save your skin.

This just in: Hawaii emergency helicopters and search teams cost big bucks. Not only will you end up having to pay for your rescue, but you'll be arrested for trespassing and, of course, for violating Covid restrictions. What better way to spend your "vacation" than sitting in a jail cell with a big guy named "Bwa Ha Ha."

5. Cough, sneeze, or spit on the produce.

I've never been to the store without seeing this discourtesy. Do we come to your home and pour petri dishes of disease on your food? What's with you people? Are you unable to visit places without perpetrating some sort of act of terrorism to express your inner frustrations and misanthropic tendencies? Just asking.

4. Laugh at the people wearing masks and social distancing.

I also see this every time I visit the store, which, of course, is only as often as I need to survive. Some tourists go to great lengths to express their disdain for public health, as if because they themselves have graced us with their presence, we are somehow obliged to embrace their rudeness. As for me, I usually just shake my head sadly, though, if they happen to rub against me as they hurry down the aisle in their touristic fervor, I occassionally mutter "six feet, please."

3. Go lava-walking in flip-flops.

Now that the volcano is erupting again. This sort of activity has been attempted in the past, with unfortunate results. The flip-flops melt, the feet catch on fire, etc. Just be sure to capture it on video for Tik Tok. Who knows, your stubs could become internet sensations! Especially, if you happened to be doing a little jig while it happened.

2. Go out for pizza or lie on the beach while in mandatory quarantine.

We seem to read about this sort of behavior every day. Really, people, the law is not a sushi menu, where you can pick and choose which ones to obey, and disregard the rest. And, "back home in (fill-in-the-blank) we don't have no cora-teen" is not a legal defense, any more than "we don't needs to be warin' masks back in (fill-in-the-blank.)" Possibly, that's one reason our Covid fatality rate is one tenth of your state's... er, just sayin'.

1. Murder your best friend in your illegal vacation rental home.

This sort of thing has been in the news lately. Really, people, stop renting illegal vacation homes. The owners don't pay taxes. As a result, the rest of us (meaning people who actually live here full time and own property) have to pay more.
Of course, everyone is innocent until proven guilty, even in Hawaii, so relax and have a nice blue-colored drink with a little umbrella in it.


   Δ 10 things
    Michael D -- Saturday, 22 May 2021, at 7:43 a.m.
   Δ RE:Top 10 Things Not to Do on the Big Island (Updated)
    Dan G2 -- Tuesday, 1 June 2021, at 9:10 a.m.

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