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Decisions, decisions

Posted by Dennis on Saturday, 9 June 2018, at 4:46 p.m.
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Now that you've moved to the planet's most remote landmass adrift in the largest ocean, you will now be required to make voluminous decisions regarding issues you have never before contemplated or, for that matter, imagined existed. All righty then, let's get started...

1. First, the easy one. Destroy the ozone or choke a seagull? On the surface, this may not seem terribly ponderous. On the mainland, your grocery clerk no doubt asked "paper or plastic?" In Hawaii, the decision is more fundamental. Raze the Amazon rainforest ("paper") or pollute the ocean ecosystem ("plastic"). Of course, "plastic" now has been banned effective April 2013. Well, more or less. The "fabric" (i.e., manufactured fabric-like paper product) grocery bag alternatives have bottom inserts made of... you guessed it, plastic. In fact, by weight the amount of plastic in the legal "fabric" grocery bags is 300 times the amount in the banned "one-use" plastic bags. The point, of course, is that seagulls will be less likely to chow down on the plastic inserts. Instead, they will simply drift off into the ocean to join up with the "Great Garbage Patch" as it moves inexorably toward Hawaiian shores.

2. Telescope or no telescope? Possibly, you didn't even know before arriving on the island that the astronomers of the world are looking forward to the world's most powerful telescope being placed atop the world' highest mountain (measured from its base at the bottom of the ocean to its summit). Oops! People who like to run around naked on the mountain under the influence of various recreational chemicals have managed to stall, and, as it appears now, block the most important telescope in scientific history from being placed in Hawaii. When the telescope is built in Chile, will the naked writhing people move there to continue their anti-science protests? I expect they'll need crowdfunding.

3. Plastic or real? One of the first decisions you will face arriving on the world's most remote landmass in the middle of the largest ocean is whether you should hang a real lei or a plastic duplicate on your rearview mirror. Technically, according to Hawaii law, it is illegal to hang anything from your rearview mirror, but, hey, you've moved to Hawaii, live dangerously! Real flower leis were worn by the original Tahitians as deodorant. Plastic ones as a rule don't have this effect. In fact, they tend to melt in the parking lot, resembling a Salvador Dali painting. What could be cooler than that (so to speak)?

There are, of course, numerous other decisions you will have to make, which you will encounter in due time. Little paper umbrella in your drink, or no little paper umbrella? Plain chaise lounge cushions, or ones with Monstera leaves? Pupu platter or salad?

Life, now that you have moved to the exploding volcanic island, will be hard. My advice: little paper umbrella.


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