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Top 10 Things Not to Do on the Big Island - 2018

Posted by Dennis on Saturday, 5 May 2018, at 10:50 a.m.
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There are ample references informing you of 100 or more wonderful ways to pass your time on the world's most remote landmass afloat in the most vast ocean. This is the only place where you'll find the essential things NOT to do.

Write this down! Or, lacking penmanship, save it in Notepad. Don't look at me like that. "Penmanship" was something they used to teach in first and second grade, in which, obviously, Rx-writing physicians got a "D-minus", as in "mostly incomprehensible." Some of the more "modern" docs bregrudgingly use computers to issue prescriptions, usually at the insistence of their more highly educated and qualified wives, a wonderful idea assuming the doc in question learned how to "hunt and peck" properly. What you must not do is text, facebook, or tweet this post. Mainly, because I don't know how to do any of those things, having essentially emerged from the Primordial ooze as a Paleozoic polywog. Now, on to the list...

1. Go outside without sunglasses. In case you haven't read, UV intensity, the leading cause of cataracts, is "critical" almost every day in Kona. On the other hand, if you like to wear those over-size square white plastic framed "Honey Boo Boo" sunglasses, feel free to leave them in that place in your house where you always forgot where you put them. I think you need a permit of some kind to wear those outside.

2. Go hang-gliding in a cyclone. Unless of course your insurance covers "getting slammed into a cellphone tower" or "getting involuntarily re-located to Papua New Guinea."

3. Drive off the bridge over the scenic gorge on the road to Hilo while impatiently trying to pass a man driving a lawn mower. Really, Hilo isn't going anywhere. It'll still be there in 2 hours. And, guess what, it'll still look just the same.

4. Get steamed to death lava walking. Actually, according to Volcano Park statistics, more people have their feet burnt off by walking in lava streams barefoot or in rubber "thongs" than get steamed to death. In fact, more people get stomped to death by elephants on safari in Africa than have their feet burnt off by lava walking in Volcano.

5. Get punched on the beach at Ho'okena while sitting around the campfire singing "Michael Row the Boat Ashore". This has become something of a local tradition, so be sure to bring Band-Aids and running shoes.

6. Dress like a tourist. People will think you're a tourist. To confess, I myself dress like a tourist. Local people used to say about me: "He dresses like a tourist." After a while they got over it. Now everyone in my neighborhood dresses like a tourist. Mainly, because I cleaned out my closet and took 30 or 40 old Aloha shirts and khaki trousers that no longer fit to the local dump station and left them in a pile. I see now see people everywhere wearing my old Aloha shirts and khaki trousers.

7. Send your bacon mushroom pineapple shrimp burger back to the kitchen at Bubba Burger because you specifically ordered it without lettuce and tomato. You don't want to know what they do it before returning it to your table.

8. Forget to wipe the asphalt and motor oil off your "chicken" kabob at the roadside "Ono Oil Drum BBQ" stand. Locals call it the "Roadkill Special", but, hey, it tastes just like chicken.

9. Walk around town shading your face with the little paper umbrella from your tropical drink. People will think you had one too many tropical drinks with little paper umbrellas.

10. Feed the feral restaurant kitty, whom someone thoughtfully abandoned at the luxury resort instead of the local landfill. Yes, it's hard to resist when it rubs against your calves for a piece of your Pupu Platter. Not only is it a violation of the public health code, while you're gleefully tossing kitty a morsel of MSG-avec-uneaten-imitation-shrimp-tail, 10 million fecal-laden cat hairs are descending on your plate. Later, you'll wonder how you could have managed to contract amoebic dysentery at a luxury resort.


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    Alex KH -- Saturday, 5 May 2018, at 11:22 p.m.
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    Dot -- Monday, 7 May 2018, at 4:00 a.m.

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